I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
