The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
