I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
