a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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