How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dicks are not precious.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
