I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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