When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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