I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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