how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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