True but thats because hes a fetus.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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