I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Vodka?
Forever.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
