you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
