I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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