girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
