I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
