Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
