I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
