idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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