im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Randomize
