dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
