My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
All the doctor said was why
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
