I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
