Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
sarcasm needs its own font
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
