I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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