Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
40s are totally the cure
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
