well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
