the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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