Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
mondays should just be called national damage control day
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
