I am in a vortex of obligation.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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