I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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