you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
