Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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