can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
