He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
