I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
