last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
