I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
