My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
