I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
