you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Drunk is a universal language darling
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
