Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
