So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
