Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
