my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
