Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
