i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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