Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
