He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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