shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
