Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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