as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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