you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
