watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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