PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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